Wednesday, January 13, 2010

2010- Project ME

This is a really tough post to write & post. I'm very sensitive to the information that I am going to share. In the interest of blogging boldly and promising this year was the year of the project I must look at myself.
Since the sixth grade, at the lovely pre-pubescent age of 11, I have been putting on weight. Even now at the age of 32 I look back on my years in middle school as the worst years of my life; chalk it up to hormones, trying to figure out who I was, unknown emotions of my former stay-at-home mom returning to work, or the "friends" that were so close one day then nasty, hateful and mean the very next. Those three years far overshadow being single until I was 28, job loss, financial struggles, and sleep deprivation of a new or not so new baby. In middle school I started self medicating with food and the vicious cycle has continued for years. Food, ultimately made me feel worse afterwards but in the moment I was able to squash my emotions in chips or ice cream. So here I am in my early thirties, mom to three beautiful active children, wife to the man I dreamt of marrying for years and I'm not happy with me. I'm overweight, very overweight. I'm still pretty healthy all things considered, great blood pressure, below average resting heart rate, low cholesterol, but I don't feel comfortable in my own skin or in clothes for that matter. There are lumps and bumps and rolls where there shouldn't be. You may wonder why I don't post pictures of myself. Well it's because they aren't taken too frequently and when they are I can hardly believe it is me. In my head I'm not quite that big. Yes, I did have three kids in a little over two years, but each time I lost the weight almost instantly. It wasn't until I went back to work that the pounds crept higher and higher.  So what to do--- I have an excuse for everything and while there is some validity to each of them it's time to step up to the plate and take charge of this, some of it may be bad genetics and a bum thyroid, but most of it I need to own. I want to feel better about myself and have more energy. So project me-

Þ    Go see an endocrinologist
o       Get blood work done for my thyroid and take the 2 hour diabetes test
Þ    Portion control
o       More fruits and veggies
o       Ix-nay on the sweets and soda
Þ    Exercise – my nemesis, I feel like this is the hardest to "find" the time, but it really needs to be me making the time.
o       30 Day Shred- I'm jumping on the bandwagon; thanks to Kate for inspiring me.
Þ    Sleep
o       In bed lights out by 10:30 every night.

And if that wasn't enough..some other areas of the me project.

I can be quick tongued and snarky many times it is intended to be and is funny, but my sharpness can also hurt feelings. So as I tear down the emotional wall that are attached to my weight I will also try to be softer and more compassionate while still maintaining a little "edge" that defines me.
Finally, I want to be a better friend. It seems like there just aren't enough hours in the day. I am not good at e-mailing and calling to keep in touch, so friends slip to the bottom of my to-do list. I hope now that the kids are a little older and we have a pretty good schedule that I can get out for some girl time one Saturday afternoon a month (for now).

So, I've laid my self out and opened a wound for all the world to see in hopes that I will keep account with my friends (IRL & blog) and they will ask me how I'm doing along the way.  Do you have a Project Me list?

12 comments:

I am Lee-Ann... said...

Heidi,
First, I want to thank you for stopping by my blog yesterday for Post it Note Tuesday.
Second, I could have wrote your post pretty much word for word. Please know that you are not alone and I continue with the daily struggle. Right now I'm trying really hard to get into the habit of exercising and slowly I'm trying to work on the food. It is so very hard. Kudos for you for sharing.
Lee-Ann

Arizona Mamma said...

I cam earlier and started to read....then realized it was going to take more time and thought than some quippy little comment, so I had to come back. Listen here, don't beat yourself up about how you got where you are. That won't fix anything. All you can do is start today. Then the next day start again. What I mean is you will have to treat every day like a new challenge. Don't eat the chips today, do shred today, etc. If you mess up one day, it doesn't ruin everything...start tomorrow new. Every day is a battle, each one leads you closer to winning the war. You can do it!

Lindsay said...

I'm totally going to steal your "project me" post for my blog if that's ok with you?! I don't want to just steal it without asking ;) Or maybe you could make it a MckLinky...

Goldylocks aka Erin said...

Heidi,
Thanks so much for keeping it real! So many of us are seriously in the same boat as you but are not as brave enough to admit it.

I have dubbed this year all about me in a slightly different way. This year I am attempting at putting myself at the top of the list rather than way way way at the bottom. Some of that putting me first entails becoming healthier.

I can't wait to follow along with your project :-)

Cindy said...

Heidi,

When you shared these words:
"I've laid my self out and opened a wound for all the world to see in hopes"
my heart was touched. You are brave to open yourself up and take a risk in allowing others to see your heart.
I hear your longing for wanting more for your life. You deserve more and you are worth more. Each day I hope you tell yourself that you are worth the work and time you are going to take to get physically fit. You can do this!!

Cindy~

Megan said...

Thank you so much for posting so honestly and being so willing to share yourself with us this way.

We struggle with many of the same issues, it seems. I am also trying to dedicate myself to getting healthy this year, but I struggle with exercising and making wise food choices. I'll be praying for you, and maybe we can keep in touch about our progress!

Jen said...

I agree with Megan, there are SO many of us that have the same "issues". You are not alone! Great job letting it all out, now we can support each other. I am SO wanting to try the 30 day shred, any info you would want to share would be appreciated. great goals! I know something that helps some people is to eat on a child size plate. I am a home health nurse, and that is what we suggest to people that are working on losing weight and i believe it helps, heck, I do this myself. Anything that helps! keep us posted!

Helga said...

Like almost all of the comments above mine, I could have written this post. And believe it or not I am going to be writing this almost same post next week. I have a thyroid issue that was discovered almost 10 years ago. I have been on meds ever since but I can't loose weight. I am waiting on test results to find out if I am diabetic. I decided that since I put on 20+ lbs in the last year I need to find out what is wrong with me. I have worked out more this year than ever before. I quit drinking soda about a year and a half ago. I am so frustrated but I know that my eating habits have to change. I think I am going to try Weight Watchers after I move...that depends on my test results though.

Sorry I wrote so much but I know how you feel. You are not alone...trust me!! Good luck and keep us posted so we can help you with your journey.

Jessi said...

I think your feelings and words could come from many of us! Thank you for your openness. Focus on the positive and stay strong. I am going to follow your blog so I can come back and keep up with your journey...and maybe encourage you on the way! I am starting my own weight loss journey...more a lifestyle journey because although I do not LOOK too unhealthy, I don't live a healthy lifestyle and really want to change that. Feel free to stop by and check out my blog.
Blessings.

*visiting from Kingdom Twindom*

Kate said...

Heidi, thank you so much for opening up and sharing where you are at. You are so brave and so strong.

So much of this post I could have written myself.

I take things one day at a time. If I look at the big (and I mean BIG) picture, I get overwhelmed and want to give up. But all we have is TODAY, so make it your BEST today.

I will be here to encourage you, girl. You can do this.

((you))

Shelby said...

Here from Kingdom Twindom. Just wanted to drop off some encouragement! Thank you for posting 'boldly'! You sound like a strong momma! Thanks for sharing!

Rachel M. said...

Hi there - how is the Shread going? I did this DVD over the summer and it was tough! I did see results quickly and I spread the weeks out longer then what the DVD suggests. I think I took like 2-3 weeks on the 1st segment and so forth. I think it's best to move at your own pace and try to mix it up with some yoga if you dare! I really helps me relax before bed. Good luck!