This is a really tough post to write & post. I'm very sensitive to the information that I am going to share. In the interest of blogging boldly and promising this year was the year of the project I must look at myself.
Since the sixth grade, at the lovely pre-pubescent age of 11, I have been putting on weight. Even now at the age of 32 I look back on my years in middle school as the worst years of my life; chalk it up to hormones, trying to figure out who I was, unknown emotions of my former stay-at-home mom returning to work, or the "friends" that were so close one day then nasty, hateful and mean the very next. Those three years far overshadow being single until I was 28, job loss, financial struggles, and sleep deprivation of a new or not so new baby. In middle school I started self medicating with food and the vicious cycle has continued for years. Food, ultimately made me feel worse afterwards but in the moment I was able to squash my emotions in chips or ice cream. So here I am in my early thirties, mom to three beautiful active children, wife to the man I dreamt of marrying for years and I'm not happy with me. I'm overweight, very overweight. I'm still pretty healthy all things considered, great blood pressure, below average resting heart rate, low cholesterol, but I don't feel comfortable in my own skin or in clothes for that matter. There are lumps and bumps and rolls where there shouldn't be. You may wonder why I don't post pictures of myself. Well it's because they aren't taken too frequently and when they are I can hardly believe it is me. In my head I'm not quite that big. Yes, I did have three kids in a little over two years, but each time I lost the weight almost instantly. It wasn't until I went back to work that the pounds crept higher and higher. So what to do--- I have an excuse for everything and while there is some validity to each of them it's time to step up to the plate and take charge of this, some of it may be bad genetics and a bum thyroid, but most of it I need to own. I want to feel better about myself and have more energy. So project me-
Þ Go see an endocrinologist
o Get blood work done for my thyroid and take the 2 hour diabetes test
Þ Portion control
o More fruits and veggies
o Ix-nay on the sweets and soda
Þ Exercise – my nemesis, I feel like this is the hardest to "find" the time, but it really needs to be me making the time.
o 30 Day Shred- I'm jumping on the bandwagon; thanks to Kate for inspiring me.
o In bed lights out by 10:30 every night.
And if that wasn't enough..some other areas of the me project.
I can be quick tongued and snarky many times it is intended to be and is funny, but my sharpness can also hurt feelings. So as I tear down the emotional wall that are attached to my weight I will also try to be softer and more compassionate while still maintaining a little "edge" that defines me.
Finally, I want to be a better friend. It seems like there just aren't enough hours in the day. I am not good at e-mailing and calling to keep in touch, so friends slip to the bottom of my to-do list. I hope now that the kids are a little older and we have a pretty good schedule that I can get out for some girl time one Saturday afternoon a month (for now).
So, I've laid my self out and opened a wound for all the world to see in hopes that I will keep account with my friends (IRL & blog) and they will ask me how I'm doing along the way. Do you have a Project Me list?