Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Not Any More...

Today I am linking up with Shell and pouring my heart out to share some of how I have been feeling recently.

It's almost two years since we walked out of the house, closed and locked the door. I was VERY pregnant with the girls and felt no emotion to the huge change that we were making in our lives. After all we were only renting the house out, there was a chance that we could move back one day. I couldn't bring myself to believe that we would never be back. Never park in the garage, cook in the kitchen, hang my clothes in my closet.

In September of 2005, just three day before we got married Jon and I went to settlement on our first home together; a beautiful, newly constructed home that we had picked out and tailored just for us. We saw this as a huge blessing, never knowing given the state of the market if we would be able to afford a single family home and it was all ours. I moved in thinking this was our forever home. God willing we would fill it with babies, finish the basement, put in a pool and just be.

Then life happened Jon had been laid off twice for several months each time, we were now expecting twins and we needed to cut costs. In September of 2008 we moved out, just three years after buying our forever home.

I am so very grateful that we have a place to live, but so much is not here. We are five people in a much smaller home. There is no more gourmet kitchen, sunken family room, his and hers closets. That was the house where we started life together, filled it with new furniture, shared our first Christmas, celebrated birthdays, brought our first baby home to, it was meant to be forever. Now, it's not ours anymore. I know it's just a building just four walls in my head, but my heart is so very sad at the death of a dream, of a life only imagined in a much different place.

Have you ever experienced the mourning of a lost dream?


Linds said...

So sad when dreams don't happen the way we planned. But I believe that sometimes God has a way of restoring what the locust have eaten, and bringing beauty from ashes. Perhaps someday in the future you'll have a home that is even nicer and better than the one that you no longer have. Even still, it doesn't negate the feelings of loss. So sorry!

Kate said...

Yes ma'am, I sure have.

Life is hard and disappointing at times, isn't it? It's ok to mourn the loss of this home.

Thank you for opening your heart up this way.

I'm praying that God will restore this loss with something even greater.

Love to you.

Courtney said...

Prayers for you. Bet God has something great in store for you and your family. Hang in there, Heidi. Thanks for sharing with us.

Brianne said...

I can imagine that would be hard. :( I think we've mourned the loss of a dream in some way or another. That is a very big loss. I hope you somehow, someway find yourself another forever home!

Shell said...

That would be so hard.

Definitely experienced the loss of a dream. I've tried to move on and realize that dreams change.

Thanks for linking up.

Andria said...

Thank you for being so honest and transparent. We are clay in God's hands...shaped by the master!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Arizona Mamma said...

Well if penis enlargement pills don't cheer you up, I don't know what will!

Anyway...I CAN relate to this. When we moved almost 3 years ago, we moved from a new construction home...done up just the way we wanted all the way down to the color of paint in every room. Addyson was born when we lived there, and I thought we would have all the kids we were going to have in that home (I was thinking 3 kids then). Then Andy had been commuting 120 miles each way every day for over a year and it was wearing really thin. So we moved. We thought it would be fun to buy and older (charming) house on more land. That's what we did. Let me tell you, the charm has worn right off. Needs a new roof, needs a new AC unit soon. Needs landscaping outback. The pool is so old, it's almost an eyesore more than an advantage to have it. I could go on and on. I didn't appreciate 100% the house we had before. Now I miss it so much. It was beautiful, and perfect.

But that's life. And what I often tell Andy is this..."The house doesn't matter. We could live in a 2 bedroom apartment, and the kids wouldn't know any different. The love in our hearts isn't less full because our house isn't perfect. The kids' happiness doesn't depend on whether we have a big master bath or an old one with one tiny sink, and just a stand up shower." You have all you need, and someday, with time and effort, you'll have more!